mother

looking up at the night sky, watching the stars as some seemingly flicker... many times, as a child, i have looked up, watching familiar patterns year after year, and remembering the nights from years past when i watched and wondered where i'd be later in life. i wondered if i would still be alive or dead the year after. things were pretty bad. but i hung in there. cuz my mother would be sad if i disappeared. watching each star, star to star, i think back and pull from memories i have with my mother there...

i remember...

the warmth of my mothers back, as she carried me.

the height of the black umbrella as it shielded us from the heavy rains.

the firmness of her hand as she held mine next to her.

limping alongside her as she silently cried in the dark, dark night.

mixing powdered medicine in a spoon and nursing me back to health

following her through the green metal gate at my grandmothers country home.

sitting with her in a very quiet house, eating gummy bears.

i think of how bewildered she must have felt. raising me alone with a tyrannical husband in a foreign land. powerless to protect her child, and having nowhere to take refuge. wishing the world could have been a better place... i do wonder, what kind of life she would have had, had i not been born. she's been through much, my mother. whenever i see a single mom raising her child and doing it with love, i say in my heart, "bravo." and look upon them with admiration and gratefulness.

twas a random note.